The Truth About Moving Interstate and Making New Friends

Life for a 50 year old is tough. At least it feels like that right now. I’m not super young anymore and I moved interstate from Sydney to Brisbane a few months ago. I still work full time and live in "the big city." But it’s getting cold here by Australian standards, and at the moment it’s lonely. So I write, I sleep and I reminisce.

I know things would be easier if I had a social life. However, finding new friends as an adult is difficult. It's hard even. And I would like people to talk about it more often. I have met maybe ten people over the past since moving here. With two or three of them I’ve reached a certain level of friendship, which to be honest doesn’t really go far beyond mere "acquaintance status".

So I’ve decided to change something about it recently and start looking for more friends. Here's an honest report of everything I've learned after moving to a new city, and during my desperate month looking for new friends.

Dream friendships

Of course I want to know someone who can give me access to the busy, celebrity scene social life with cocktails and big nights out. Just like in my old days.

Then I think it would be nice to get to know a fascinating globetrotter, with whom I can spend the night talking, strategizing and post nervous breakdown planning my next move.

On the other hand, someone outside of my own ideas bubble who can complement (ok and compliment) my superior intellect.

And someone who’s going to be brutally honest and give me tough love when I need it.

And, yeah, again, maybe an influencer or celebrity of some kind who can get me free stuff.

Realistic friendships

Basically, I just want to have someone I can call a friend. Anyone. Someone about the same age, with similar life experience. Ideally, this person should want to hang out with me now and then. Maybe we can also watch a film together?

What I can offer in return

Here is my detailed list of my positive traits that make me a pretty good friend. At least in theory:

I own a car that may be small and full of cheeseburger wrappers, but it’s suitable for bringing people to and from the airport. Can also be used to help out when people are moving house and they don’t want to hire a removalist. I’m always happy to help out like that.

I have no problem giving advice without being asked or also when asked.

I enthusiastically watch people’s Instagram stories.

In principle, I don't ghost in group chats.

Common methods of making new friends (1): Develop a hobby and get to know like-minded people

You often hear this tip - and at first glance it seems quite reasonable. But it has a catch. What is a hobby supposed to be? Adults have hobbies so we can list them in our online dating profiles. However, most people have no real recreational activities other than watching Netflix, working out, and breathing. Life.

Hobbies are either for children to be occupied and to be happy after school and for seniors to be distracted from the future and the past. When I think of hobbies, the first thing that comes to mind is collecting stamps and writing. I'm not interested in sharing that. At least not at the moment.

What do I really like? I like to go for a drink in a bar that also serves good food. Not pubs, bars. That’s not overly special though and also probably not the basis for a lasting friendship either.

Common methods of making new friends (2): Meet people at work

Haha. No thanks.

Common methods of making new friends (3): Be stunningly charismatic

I don't think I'm an uninteresting person. I have a certain self-confidence. But: I don't seem to have what makes other people automatically like you. In general, I have no problem with it, but unfortunately early in this experiment it became clear to me that in order to be successful I had to draw people's attention to me like a newly divorced middle-aged woman who dares to restart.

What do I really think about making friends?

Set yourself goals

In retrospect, when I first moved to Brisbane, I did something kind of embarrassing. I found a number of cool looking strangers on Facebook with whom I had mutual friends and I wrote asked them if they wanted to hang out with me. That’s kind of the friendship equivalent to an uninvited dick pic - and it worked just as well. Ie: not at all.

So I did some soul searching, trying to think of people who had shown serious interest in spending time with me in the not too distant past. My chosen mark was Anna, a writer who had moved from Melbourne. We’d met up a couple of times, fooled around, and followed each other on social media. Anna seemed like the perfect candidate for a normal, platonic relationship, friendship even, so I got in touch.

We met up a couple of times, had fun, took some selfies together and talked about writing. We got on well enough and arranged another meeting.

Expand the playing field

Even if everything went well with Anna, it seemed prudent to keep other options open. I needed to meet more people. The easiest way - at the time it seemed so obvious - was with a few Twitter posts basically asking for new friends.

Unfortunately, it turns out it’s quite stressful to ask who wants to be friends with you online. It seems there’s not much middle ground between remaining complete strangers and going straight to being friends with benefits. And, again unfortunately, even the innuendo of that is usually enough to torpedo what might potentially be a great match.

After a while it all seemed like too much effort and I just stop responding to my DMs. Sorry, potential online friends.

Conclusion

I’m actually still nowhere with this. So I write. Don’t feel bad for me. I’m not depressed or down. And I’m not ungrateful. I know there are lots of people who are genuinely alone and who have life a lot tougher than you or I. Indeed it’s that capacity for self awareness that helps us to live happy, healthy lives.

But honestly, the only thing about these few weeks I’ve spent desperately trying to make friends in a new city that has been even remotely fun is sitting down alone to write about it. There’s something profoundly ironic in that.

There’s hope for anyone moving to a new city. Does it take hard work and focus to make new friends? Yes. It's annoying but yes it would seem so. But the real trick seems to be just being happy anyway and doing what you want to do. Almost to the point where you don’t give a damn because you really just want to share what you already have. That’s key. Because the best relationships are a place to give and not to receive.